HOW NOT TO APOLOGISE (AND HOW TO)


How many people have you hurt today? Apparently, in the UK, we apologise an average eight times a day! Most of them, I expect, are throwaway courtesy ‘sorry’s – it leaves our lips without a thought. But sometimes I think the word ‘sorry’ might have suffered so much from overuse and misuse that it’s in danger of becoming meaningless.

I confess that ‘sorry’ has become a bit of a trigger for me, perhaps because I have received so many meaningless ‘sorry’s in the past. It is often said carelessly, and often selfishly: people use it to avoid trouble or make themselves feel better, sometimes hoping the receiver will hear what they want to hear rather than what is meant.

They root of the problem may be that we use it for so many different things:
“Oops!”
“That’s sad.”
“Pardon me/Excuse me.”
“Look out, I’m knowingly inconveniencing you.”
“It was an accident, please don’t be angry.”
“I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”
“I feel judged/scared.”
“Don’t complain.”
“I know I did wrong, but I wasn’t responsible for my actions.”
“I suppose you’re not going to like what I did.”
“You’re making me feel bad, please stop.”
“I know I treated you badly, but please don’t let it come between us.”
“Obviously you’re angry with me, and I hope you feel better soon.”
“I know I did wrong, but I don’t care.”

How many of those did you recognise? Did I miss any biggies?

How often do we hear an apology that actually says
“I see now that I made some bad choices, and I truly regret them. Please let me make it up to you”?

A plain cream card and envelope lie on a table. The card reads "sorry not sorry". 
(How to apologise)
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THREE TYPES OF ‘SORRY’ (AND TWO TO AVOID)

Dictionaries define ‘sorry’ as a feeling or expression of ‘regret (a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that one has done or failed to do) or penitence (the action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance)’, or alternatively as ‘feeling sad or distressed through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune’. I think there are really three main types of ‘sorry’ – I think we’d be better off with three different words! Because it’s when we get them mixed up we start to hurt each other.

Apologies

An apology is defined as ‘a regretful acknowledgement of an offence or failure’, and it’s probably the first thing we think of when we consider the word ‘sorry’. It’s a confession, a resolution, and an appeal for healing. It says “I did something I shouldn’t have and I wish I hadn’t hurt you that way, because I want to be a better person than that.” It’s what we want to hear when we’ve been hurt, and it indicates growth by the offender. It opens a door to healing, restoration, and a better relationship in future.

Expressions of sympathy

‘Sorry’ can also express sorrow without personal regret, as in ‘I’m sorry you’re feeling down’ or ‘I’m sorry your fish died’. Sympathy without regret doesn’t make things better, and we shouldn’t expect it to.

“Pardon me”

Often, ‘sorry’ is a quick courtesy after a misstep, or a perceived misstep. We say it when we bump someone with our shopping trolley, or get in the way without realising, or unthinkingly break some rule of etiquette, or make a careless comment. “Oops, I didn’t mean any harm, I hope I didn’t hurt/offend you.” “Pardon me” or “excuse me” are used the same way. Often it’s more about simply being polite than making amends for any real hurt. It’s an appeal for acceptance despite our flaws or mistakes, or the parts of us that won’t be to everyone’s taste.

Insincerity and manipulation

However, often a quick ‘pardon me’ or an expression of sympathy is offered when really we need more in order to continue a healthy relationship. These ‘sorry’s are used when a person has made careless choices or behaved poorly, but has no intention of doing differently in future. Like the partner who consistently drinks too much and behaves like an ass, the compulsive liar who will go on deceiving, or the grumpy teen who accumulated all the crockery in his bedroom yet again. They’re not apologising for their behaviour – they just don’t want to deal with you being upset about it.

These kinds of sorrys are dismissive, used to avoid a problem rather than solving it, or to avoid seeing someone’s difficulty rather than getting involved. True conflicts are better healed by taking the time to connect with the other person – for example, asking for help to better understand the situation, putting oneself in their shoes, or discussing boundaries – rather than a kneejerk ‘sorry’ which was probably meaningless in the context.

Any version of ‘I’m sorry my behaviour hurt you, but it’s what I wanted,’ won’t heal a relationship. It doesn’t express remorse and doesn’t indicate that the person is likely to make a less harmful choice in future, though it may deceive the hearer into thinking it does. At its worst, it’s manipulation: a person says what they think they need to say to get away with their bad decisions and get another chance to behave badly next time.

Over-apologising

Some people feel a compulsion to apologise for every move they make, whether anyone is offended or not. Doubtless, this is rooted in low self-esteem – perhaps even fear or trauma – and I know it can be extremely hard to stop if you’re one of those people. But it is not harmless. Being apologised to dozens of times a day, for non-offensive things, can make a person feel like the apologiser is afraid of them, or finds them an angry or reactionary person that needs appeasing all the time, when it’s not true. Too many unwarranted ‘sorry’s begin to feel like accusations: “you judge me,” “you oppress me,” “I don’t feel comfortable with you”.

In certain settings, over-apologising can also make you appear weak and lacking confidence.

A chalk board with "sorry :(" written on it.
(How to apologise)
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HOW NOT TO APOLOGISE

Insincere, meaningless apologies can be even more hurtful than no apology at all – occasionally they’re even weaponised to hurt. They happen when you’re not truly sorry – that is, you don’t actually regret or take responsibility for your actions – or when pride or anger gets in the way of admitting you were wrong. Here are eight mistakes to avoid if you’ve hurt someone and wish to heal the relationship:

Don’t be late

Knowingly hurting someone until it no longer serves you undermines your apology even before you’ve thought about it. It’s pretty hard to accept any apology in this context. If you’re sorry about something, stop doing it NOW or don’t do it in the first place.

Don’t be grudging

“You deserve an apology, so here it is.” Well, why not cross your arms and stomp your feet while you’re at it? Apologising just because you suppose you have an obligation, without sincerity, is no apology at all.

Don’t lie

A true apology means you regret your choices and actions, and you wish you’d done differently. If what you really mean is “I’m sad that my actions hurt you but I stand by my choices,” or “I’m sorry that things didn’t work out better for me,” or “it turns out that betraying you wasn’t worth my while after all,” then don’t bother apologising, because it’s not what you mean.

Don’t play down what you did

Flippant, vague, evasive or half-hearted language removes power and sincerity from your apology. If you deceived someone, took what was theirs, sent their life into a spin and caused them months of torment, and all you can come up with is “I’m sorry I was selfish”, just don’t even bother.

Don’t be self-pitying

A true apology means you’ve changed your outlook; you won’t make the same mistake again because you want to do what is right and not hurt people. Don’t make it about you and don’t push the blame onto anyone else. “I won’t do this again because it ended up hurting me,” is self-pitying garbage that never belongs in an apology, and trying to make somebody else look bad only makes you look worse.

Don’t be mean, snide or judgemental

An apology isn’t the place for passive-aggressive or critical comments about the hurt person, their choices, qualities, attitudes, relationships or anything else. Their choices became absolutely none of your business when you decided it was okay to hurt them.

Don’t let your actions contradict your words

You’re obviously not sorry for wronging someone if behind their back you’re still harming them, blaming others, hating on people who supported them, or if you’ll do it again in future. Make your actions consistent with your words.

Don’t use ifs and buts

“I’m sorry but…” is an attempt to excuse or deny responsibility for your behaviour. Sometimes when one person hurts another and is sorry, there was some reason that made them behave out of character, but trying to make excuses for one’s behaviour is a failure to take responsibility – and our actions are nobody’s responsibility but our own. If there were extenuating circumstances which are important to discuss for the other person’s benefit, then instead of shifting the blame, try something like “I wouldn’t normally do something like that, and I let myself down”.

“I’m sorry if…” is dangerous ground too, indicating disinterest and a failure to acknowledge the harmful action or its consequences.

“I’m sorry you…” leads to a focus on the other person’s thoughts or feelings, not your choices or actions. Crucially, apologising is all about the actions of the offender, not the responses of the hurt person.

Seen from the back, two friends stand side by side, arm round each other, heads leaning together. Blue sky above and dry grass and hedges in front.
(How to apologise)
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HOW TO APOLOGISE!

A meaningful apology after a big mistake isn’t easy. It means humbling yourself, putting your ego and pride aside, and truly putting your relationship with the other person first. But a heartfelt apology can be the foundation not only of healing but of enormous growth.

Know who it’s for

The purpose of a real apology is first healing for the hurt person, and second, hopefully, healing for the relationship. If you’re tempted to apologise to help ease your own conscience or to get what you want, then ask yourself whether it’s really the right thing to do; a meaningless apology can end up being more hurtful than no apology at all.

Be truthful and specific

As we’ve seen, the word ‘sorry’ can be so ambiguous it’s almost meaningless on its own. In fact, perhaps the best apologies don’t actually rely on the word ‘sorry’ at all (though it may be best to include it – if you mean it – to fulfil expectations). Think about what you truly mean, and say that. “You have my sympathy, but I had to put myself first,” is a world away from “I made stupid choices and I wish I hadn’t because you’re more important”.

Acknowledge

If you’ve really hurt someone and you really want to make amends, make sure you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, fully acknowledge everything you did, and accept responsibility. The hurting person wants you to see their pain; they want to know that you understand the impact of your actions, and what needs to change, or else they can be left unsure of what you’re apologising for and whether you’ll do it again.

Make amends

Ask the person if there’s anything you can do to make it up to them. Sometimes there isn’t, but there’s value in showing you’re willing. If you’ve got a relationship to repair, you might need to be patient, transparent, and willing to talk in depth about what happened, and feelings and boundaries relating to it. Serious injuries can take a lot of time to heal. But they can heal, if both of you are willing to do the work.

Accept consequences

Maybe the hurt person isn’t interested in your apology and doesn’t want to forgive you. That’s their prerogative, and perhaps you’ve given up your right to argue. Be gracious, be kind, and step away if that’s what they wish. Time may still provide opportunities for healing, or it may not, but if you’ve offered a sincere apology and resolved not to make the same mistake again, then you’ve done your best.

Prove it

If you regret what you did, you won’t do it again. Right? So prove it. Only reformed behaviour truly demonstrates your good intentions.

FINAL THOUGHTS

As I said above, ‘sorry’ can be a bit of a trigger for me, so please pardon me if I’ve been a bit ranty. (See what I did there?) Being conscious of when and how to apologise properly is vital to healthy and fulfilling relationships, but it seems to be a frequent weak point in our communications with one another. So I hope this post serves as an appeal for more mindfulness in the many different ways we use ‘sorry’.

FURTHER READING:

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I’d love to know what you think. Has this post helped you? Are you a bad apologiser, or a victim of bad apologies? Please let me know in the comments!

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Pinnable image with text: HOW NOT TO APOLOGISE (and how and when to do it properly). A man holds a card in front of his face reading "sorry not sorry".
(How to apologise)

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